PATRICK MOV
by wildchild21
Summary: This is a parody of PARTY MOV from HotDiggedyDemon's PONY MOV series. All rights go to him. This also features Leni and Lori Loud from The Loud House


Johnny Elaine: Patrick Star was the first true celebrity dope of the underwater world. Over the course of his life, the limelight he experienced broadcasted his most intimate moments to a sensationalist public, and the world watched as he transformed from an innocent dumb icon loved by millions into a disastrous cautionary example about the dangers of an insatiable addiction to partying.

[buzzing, title screen for "True Biknin Bottom Story"]

Johnny Elaine: Patrick's downward spiral began in 2009, on his twenty-first birthday.

Spongebob [in background]: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Patrick: [gulping, puking]

Johnny Elaine: With new found freedom and his inhibitions entirely abandoned, he was left to explore a frightening nightclub world without a single notion of moderation.

[zooming, snapshots]

Patrick: [mumbling slowly] No, don't shoot my hole...

Johnny Elaine: Wherever the party took him, the paparazzi shadowed him relentlessly, eager to document his tragic over-indulgence

Patrick: [mumbling] I think I'm gonna take a crap...[spraying sounds]

Johnny Elaine: After a brief fling with iCarly star Miranda Cosgrove in 2010, Patrick's partying escalated from drinking to heavy drug use

Squidward: He started chasing that green squid. Not me, 'cause I'm a green squid, but I mean, like, heroin. Oh, it's a metaphor, look it up, you have the Internet! But I mean, come on, everyone knows drugs are dangerous.

[Squidward lights and smokes bong]

Squidward: [cough] [constricted] This isn't a drug! [snort]

Johnny Elaine: Patrick's experimentation with cocaine also took its toll.

[twitching and tapping sound effects, birds that progressively grow louder]

Patrick: [shouting, speaking quickly] You know what I can't stand? Internet piracy! How would you like it if musicians stole from you? What if Wade Collins stole your precious glasses? And you! What would you do if Mick Swagger just waltzed into your house, and stole your... uh, favorite dress!

Mrs. Puff: I think I'd mostly just be confused?

Johnny Elaine: In 2011, the scandal reached its peak, when explicit footage leaked onto the Internet, featuring Patrick performing sex acts on a currently unidentified partner.

[sucking and slurping noises in background]

Patrick: Yeah, that feel good, baby?

Leni Loud: Totes!

Johnny Elaine: The tabloids were merciless.

Squidward: Oh, he'd fuck anyone. Chicks, dudes, didn't matter. Fat fish, skinny fish, fish who climb on rocks, worms, clams, squirrels, bugs, snails. He fucked a snail! I watched him fuck a snail once. That sounds weird, right, just hearing me say it? Imagine how weird it was to see it. He _fucked a snail_! Spongebob's snail!

Johnny Elaine: As the partying continued to become more extreme, Patrick became belligerent, and lashed out at his friends; on several occasions, calling them in the wee hours of the morning

Patrick: [in background] Squidwaaaard...

Squidward: [in background] What?

Patrick: [in background] Squidwaaaard...

Squidward: [in background] What?

Patrick: [in background] Squidwaaaard...

Squidward: What?

Patrick: Squidwaaaard...

Squidward: What? Who is this?

Patrick: It's Patriiiiiiiiick

Squidward: [annoyed] What do you want?

Patrick: [noticeably slurring] I always thought you were cool. Come over and fuck my girl.

Leni: Yeah, come over and fuck me.

Squidward: I think I'd rather stick my dick in anthill.

Patrick: I want you... to get some beer... get some Oxycontin... get some Krabby Patties... come to my house...

Squidward: Let me stop you right there because I'm not going to do any of this. It's 3AM.

Patrick: Come on Squiddy, I thought we was friends.

Squidward: Well, no offense friend, but I hope you're buried alive.

Patrick: [grunt] Hang on... there's this stupid bitch staring at me... [silence] Oh wait, that's Leni. [silence] ...Hang on, I gotta go impregnate Leni, I'll call you back,

Leni: Wait, what? [hanging up sound effect, dial tone]

Squidward: AM I THE ONLY SANE ONE IN THIS CRAZY WORLD OF TECHNICOLOR CARTOON WEIRDOS?!

Spongebob: I thought it might motivate Patrick to get straightened out if we got a bunch of his friends together and sat him down. Well, co-workers, kinda.

Johnny Elaine: And so Spongebob set his plan into action.

Patrick: [shoves] [slurring] Don't touch me, motherfucker.

[Spongebob looks around the room and sees only Ren Hoek, Stimpson J. Cat, Timmy Turner and Lori Loud]

Lori Loud: I'm texting my dog.

Spongebob: What kind of turnout is this?! [whispering] Squidward, this is supposed to be an _intervention_! Where is everybody?

Squidward: Sandy's in a coma, Mr Krabs' being held captive by Mexicans, Plankton's in the nuthouse, and Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy are dead. Anymore questions, smart-ass?

Patrick: [vomiting]

Squidward: [sigh] I knew I should've stayed in bed today. [canned laugh track]

Spongebob: Patrick, you need help. You're addicted to parties!

Patrick: Shut up, you're just jealous 'cause chicks think I'm hotter than you! You have a big square face!

Spongebob: No I don't!

Lori Loud: I hate to admit it, but that face is literally square.

Spongebob: Hey, if you're not being supportive, why don't you go back to your own show.

Patrick: You guys aren't my friends. My only friend is 40 oz of 190 proof straight vodka. [chugging]

Squidward: That's _im_ -possible. Fuck, me, Patrick, you are amazing! Patrick: [groan] I think I'm gonna take a crap. [spraying sounds]

Squidward: Oh dear neptune it GOT IN MY MOUTH! You got any more fluids you wanna spray on me, you stupid asshole?

Spongebob: Yeah, this could've gone better.

Lori: It's _twins_ , in case anyone's gonna ask.

Lori: I'm gonna name 'em Snoopy and Prickly Pete.

Johnny Elaine: In a PR attempt to be perceived as more of a victim of circumstance, Patrick released an autobiography entitled, "My Daddy Made Me Put Glass In My Anus", describing in great detail his relationship with his father, the Reverend Herbert Star.

Herbert : Don't believe a word this book says. I didn't insert glass into my son's butthole, ok? I didn't force him to eat his own hair. I did not hit him over the head with a Sega Dreamcast in a fit of drunken hysteria. And I did _not_ lock him in the basement and blast "Blood on the Dance Floor" for seventeen hours straight, when he refused to say the Lord's Prayer. What is that, a band? I don't even know!

Patrick: Yes, I lied about my father. But I had a good reason! Nobody was paying any attention to me.

Johnny Elaine: Patrick Star's story is a tragic tale of how fame, money, and indulgence can bastardize any of us. If something as pure and mentally incapable as a starfish can be tempted into a sinful life of self-destruction, none of us are safe. After an arrest for attempting to shoplift large quantities of ammonia and pseudo-ephedrine in April of 2012, Patrick is currently once again undergoing rehabilitation, and his future is uncertain. You might ask yourself why things like this can happen. Are we, the public, to blame? Is it our sadistic lust for watching these giants fall and crumble, that pressures them into their ultimate downfall? And finally, why do we, as the media, choose to report all of this to you? The answer is simple: because there is not a single thing happening in this world right now that's more important than the personal lives of cartoon celebrities.

Frecnh Narrator: Just then... By sheer coincidence...  
[Giant Jellyfish attack Bikini Bottom and start eating the residents]

Johnny Elaine: Patrick has been stupid but gentle to so many fish throughout the years. With how exhausting it can be to bring stupidity to others, perhaps it's no surprise that he seeks parties as an escape from his stressful life. Regardless of it all, one thing is certain: we should all be far less judgmental of this innocent, lazy, idiotic creature.

French Narrator: 5 minutes later

[Patrick and Leni are inside a motel]

Patick: Psst, hey, um, hm, what, uh, what are your rates?

Leni: Ten for a tuggie, twenty for a blowie, and twenty-five if the cameraman's gonna watch.


End file.
